This Weekend

What am I doing this weekend? A lot of people go out of town. Some people fire up the BBQ. I know I've gone out driving on Memorial Day and have received speeding tickets at two different times....no bueno! Ummmm......but what are we gonna do????

On Sunday we're going up to Austin to spend the day there. Going to Austin only takes 45 minutes from where we live, but it feels like we're actually getting away from it all for reals. There's so much to see and do in Austin. It's a beautiful city. It feels like I'm back at home in California for some reason. I love it up there. We're probably gonna hit up Kerbey Lane Cafe for some breakfast/brunch. Maybe we'll go to Fry's Electronics for my sweet, nerdy hubby (I like going there too). We could go to Ikea. We could walk around The Domain. We could head down SoCo. There's so much to do....I love Austin!

Monday we're thinking about tubing down the Comal River in New Braunfels. It is pretty much what everyone and their Mom does on Memorial Day, but I'm not scurred. I think if we get there early enough it shouldn't be too crowded, right? I mean tell me what's better than getting to float down a lazy river in a tube with a Mike's Hard Lemonade in your hand? It's pretty fab! Plus, people-watching is always fun/gross. Yes, I did just go there. Seeing women who clearly shouldn't be wearing a string bikini walking around with a tube over their head is always amusing. Sometimes I just want to go up to them, shake their hand and tell them that I wish I had their confidence! LOL Sorry, I went there and now I'm stopping.

Come on! Tell me that doesn't look amazing!

I hope everyone has a fun and safe Memorial Day weekend!!!

A Couple of Things

I know I've been silent on here for a while and there is a good reason for that. There aren't that many of you out there who read this anyway. Not that y'all don't matter because you do, but I'm sure that you haven't missed my ranting that much....or have you? Lord knows I have a lot to rant about and that's what this post is all about. I just want to kind of let y'all in on what I've been going through since the last time I posted.....a month ago!

I completed my first round of Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI cycle. I know a lot of those words don't make a lot of sense and I'm sorry, so here's a little explanation of what I went through. I started Clomid to help me ovulate (with PCOS I don't ovulate regularly, or at all). The first week I was put on 50mg and it didn't work. The following week I was moved up to 100mg and I produced 2 good follicles (eggs). The next day or so later I had to inject myself with Ovidrel (synthetic hcg to get the eggs to come out) which was too frightening, so I made Matt do it....ha! It really felt like nothing and this next time I'll probably do it on my own. The next day we went in to the Dr's office. Matt made a "deposit", they "washed" it and made it prettier....a pink color to be exact! LOLOLOLOLOL....you have to laugh at it! An hour and a half later I laid on a table, put my feet in stirrups and was inseminated/basted/fertilized (you can laugh at that too).

After the procedure we then moved on to the "Waiting Game"....which is about as fun as????? Welllll.....it's not fun at all. Sometimes I think you could relate my personal waiting game to "Sorry!". I try to move, I draw my card and then....Sorry! Gotta go back to the start! Yes, this is what happened. I had to wait 3 weeks before I could go to the Dr and take a blood test to see if the IUI worked. May 24th rolls around and I start bleeding that morning. I try to keep myself positive. "Maybe it's implantation bleeding." "This could potentially be a good thing." "Don't forget that your Mom had a period in her first trimester with both you and Bart." I went to the Dr. and they drew my blood. I occupied myself with errands and then at around 12:00 I got a phone call. Actually, I missed the call because my stupid phone crapped out on me! But I did get a message. The message wasn't what I wanted, but in the back of my mind it was what I was expecting to hear. The nurse was very caring and compassionate in her message, "I'm so sorry Mrs. Reed, but your pregnancy test was negative. Please call the Dr. when you start your period....blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, I'm so sorry." She must have done this before!?!?

I wept. I screamed. I convulsed. I was devastated. I was angry. I was all the emotions and feelings that I didn't want to be, but I was. I couldn't control it. It was ugly. I had to call my Mom and Matt, and I had to drive myself home to be alone with all my grief. Not a good thing. I cried non-stop for 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. That evening to cheer me up, we went to the Alamo Drafthouse and saw Shrek 4 in 3D. Very cute movie, but the cheer didn't last too long.

Yesterday (tuesday) was just a bad day all around. I was cramping and in horrible pain. I was still weepy, confused and angry. I called the Dr. to let them know that I had started and I wanted to schedule the ultrasound so we could move on to the next round, except this time I said that I didn't want to do the IUI, just use the clomid. Well, I went in and talked to Dr. Hudson and she recommended that we try the whole process again. In fact, we should try at least 3 more times before we either take a break or try our other options. I really hope that it doesn't get to that point, but we aren't there yet and I will not beat myself up over something that hasn't even happened.

Dr. Hudson is a very sweet, caring and honest person. I'm very thankful that she is my Dr. while I go on this journey. She is confident that what we are doing is going to get us a baby. She feels that with my age and health that there shouldn't be any reason why this process won't work. I trust her. I believe that God sent us to her for help and that this is a part of His plan for our family.

This isn't the path that I ever saw myself heading down. I never thought I'd be going through these things, but here I am technically "infertile" and it sucks. I'm gonna be completely honest right now and if you don't like it I'm very sorry.....but it is so hard to see people that I care about with children, families and/or going through pregnancy. I want so much to be happy for them, but I can't. If you've never gone through this, you will never know how I feel and please don't pretend that you do. I don't need you to try to relate to me thinking that it's going to make me feel better about my situation. The fact is, I have God and the doctors that He's sent me to that are capable of helping me, you won't be able to help me. The best thing to do is to pray and let me know that you're doing so. It means a whole lot more to me knowing that my friends care enough about me, my feelings and my family to lift up a prayer for us. For some of you I've had to block you on my Facebook news feed because I can't handle your statuses and picture updates. Again, I'm sorry to have to be this honest, but I have to.....it's therapeutic!

The journey that I'm on has been long and it's not over yet. Only God knows when and how the story of our family will begin. I trust Him and I know that He is more than able. All I need to do is keep on truckin' down this rocky path and one of these days I'll make it to smooth, paved ground. Ahhhhhh......I can't wait to make it there!

One of these days.........

• I'm gonna get to blog about being pregnant..... And I'm gonna post pictures of my growing belly/baby all over the world wide web.
• I'm gonna get out of San Antonio! I love me some Texas, but San Antonio HAS to be the lamest city of them all!
• I'm gonna live in DFW....the Metroplex......The Big D!
• I'm gonna go to the beach.....maybe while I'm on a cruise! Ya, on a cruise!!! Even better!!!!
  
• I'm gonna make photography a career and not just a thing that I do every once in a while for money.
• I'm gonna meet the cast of Glee, Jason Mraz and Sarah Jessica Parker. Ha!
  
• I'm gonna own a pair of Christian Louboutin's!!!! (maybe)
  
• I'm gonna see my Creator face to face. I'm gonna get to ask Him tons of questions about everything like, "why Sperm Whales?"
  
• I'm gonna live in a one story house with a fireplace....again.....coincidentally I grew up in one of those.
• I'm gonna be a regular on Saturday Night Live. That was a joke. Or was it?

This isn't the end of my list. I know I have more things that I'd like to see happen one of these days, but it was just nice to get out a few of them on my good ol' blog.

The End ;-)

A Song For Today

I don't really have the time to write a lot about what's going through my head right now. There's a lot and it's definitely meant for another post....maybe more than one? I dunno. All I can say is that I am now entering another time of uncertainty with this whole getting pregnant thing. I am about to start my first round of Clomid, plus an injection of Ovidrel and an impending IUI (a.k.a. Artificial Insemination) in the next few weeks. To say I need prayer for sanity would be the understatement of the year, but I'm gonna say it.....People, I need prayer!

Sometimes I think that I can't take too much more. I think that enough is enough already......don't I deserve a consolation baby/prize for all my hard work? Or at least a break? Something? No? Ok, I will press on. God knows what I can handle and by gum, He has chosen the right couple for the job. Yes, I have had to wait for literally everything good to happen in my life and all the waiting has been soooo worth it! Prime example, my amazing husband, Matt!

Okay, okay...I have written more than I originally intended to. The point of this post is to give you the gift of an amazing song. It is a song that constantly goes through my head at any given time that I'm feeling weak and weary. It is by a spectacular Christian artist by the name of Phil Wickham and the song is called "Safe". I am going to post the lyrics below and hopefully find a way to post the actual song below the words. I hope that the song and its words sink deep into your soul, especially if you're hurting today and just need to be reminded that God holds you in His capable arms and He is and will always keep you safe. Enjoy!

SJR

PS. Be sure to pause the player at the bottom of my blog if you're going to listen to this song.

"Safe"
Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

• Safe by Phil Wickham

More Phil Wickham music on iLike

It has been a while.......

I can't really decipher if I haven't blogged purely because I've had nothing to say or I just didn't have the time. Or maybe I felt that if I blogged it would only come out sounding like a whiny toddler.....Nah!

I think that there's just been a lot that's happened between the time of my last post and today, April 13, 2010. Nothing really special about today, but I felt like I needed to post something! There's like cobwebs in my blog because it's been soooo loooong! Ha!

Anyway, a little over a month ago I got a call/text from my brother saying that I needed to call my Mom because she was going to have a pacemaker put in. Um, what?!? No! Mom doesn't have anything wrong with her to warrant a pacemaker, right? Wrong! So, I called my very apprehensive Mom whilst trying to keep my cool on the other side of the phone. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that I'm thousands of miles away while this is happening to my Mom and I can't be by her side to be with her. Y'all need to understand that I've always been there for her when she had SVT episodes, her gallbladder removed, kidney stone issues, etc. etc. etc. It sucked that I couldn't just drive to the hospital and be with her. The next thing I find out is that her Dr. also wants to do an ablation to correct her SVT's. Ugh! Two surgeries??? Oh heck no! I've got to get to California somehow!

The next day I talked to my Dad and we found a fairly inexpensive fare for me to come there. I got to stay for a little while and take care of my Mom and such. It was nice to be home. I needed a break from TX for a little bit. I'm pretty sure I was starting to annoy everyone who came in contact with me and vice versa! (yes, I can pretend to be patient, but I was on the verge of a break-down!)

Usually when I go home for a visit I jam-pack my days with going places that I don't get to go to anymore like SF, Tahoe, LA, Napa, etc. This visit was just much more laid back because the focus wasn't on me and where I wanted to go, but how my Mom was feeling and what she needed. I did get to spend more time with my brother, Bart and sister-in-law, April...plus their two goof-dogs, Dr. Finklestein and Maurice Chevalier. We saw "Alice in Wonderland" on the IMax 3D, which completely rocked! We were the only sober people in the whole theater.

At the end of my visit I was invited by my good friend, Heather, to see an awesome dance show by Core Dance Collective. It was such a great show and the dancing made me really miss performing at that level, not to mention choreographing dances that actually mean something. After the show I got my first experience of The Melting Pot.......OMG!!! I am in love with this place! I wish it wasn't so dang expensive because I'd go there at least every other month. We had such a great time just catching up on everything and talking non-stop.....it was nice to be so open and honest with someone that isn't my family or my husband. I'm glad that I went and I'm so glad that she's still a part of my life! She needs to come visit us in TX.....soon...hint, hint!

Um......what else, what else, what else??? Weall, there's a lot more, but I will save that for next time! Comment if you wanna hear more!

SJR

Thank You's

I just wanted to take some time to say "Thanks" to all y'all that pray for me and have prayed for me in the past and recently. I never thought in a million years that I'd ever be going through all the things that I'm going through now, but it helps to know that there are amazing people in my life that are lifting me up in prayer. If it wasn't for y'all and God's perfect peace, I'd probably be a wreck right now. I mean. You know? A total mess. I'm pretty much a wreck all of the time, but being a ballet dancer has taught me to hide the pain despite how much it hurts. It really isn't that at all, but I have peace in my heart and my soul that I definitely cannot understand. I just know that the peace I have is nothing less than miraculous! It is the peace that passes all understanding! So, many many thanks to you! You know who you are and there are a lot of you! Consider yourselves thanked and hugged and maybe even smooched on the cheek!

Love, Sarah

Updates......

I know that there are a few of you out there that actually read my blog and are my friends on Facebook. So, I thought instead of typing out a huge status update on Facebook I'd do it here! More appropriate on the blog, right? Yes.

I've finally finished up all of my infertility work-up tests to determine why I'm not getting pregnant. They have discovered that I have PCOS (which I already discussed), hypothyroidism (under-active thyroid), metabolic syndrome (caused by the pcos) and higher LDL cholesterol (also a result of the pcos). Luckily I don't have the insulin resistance that is also associated with PCOS, so praise God for that! What I do have is answers! Answers!!! Praise God for answers!!! I've been waiting so long to hear the things that I've suspected all along, but I'm not a doctor so I can't make a diagnosis.

So, where do I go from here? I have had to make good, positive changes in my life like right away! When I got the results from Dr. Hudson about my situation, I have to say I was less than thrilled. I mean I spent that whole day pretty much crying. Crying? Why? Well, my emotions are raw and all I want is to be healthy and whole.....I'm not healthy though and that needs to change....quickly! So, I started to make those changes straight away! Last week I started a diet that is PCOS and cholesterol friendly and I joined a gym on top of my ballet classes that I do 2-3 times a week. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be in a recital in May! Ha! Isn't that funny/exciting? Maybe I'll be pregnant by then? Hmmmm.......we shall see. Oh and the Dr. started me on a low dose of Synthroid which is for my lazy thyroid.

I'm due for a follow-up in April and they will re-assess my health at that point. All I know is that I feel very positive about my situation. I feel that what's going on with me is a wake-up call to get healthy and not just get pregnant. I don't want to be in the shape that I'm in right now and be pregnant, that isn't fair to my child. I know that pregnancy can happen at any given time and I am open to whenever God chooses that time for me, but while I'm waiting, you will find me eating right or on the elliptical machine at Spectrum!

I promise to keep posting about my progress and such!

SJR

Pre-result Results

*If I had a plush stuffed uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries, this is what they'd look like!*

I found the above picture on google......hahahaha!!! I had to put it on here, it's just too good!

Okay, okay.......just wanted to report that as of today I have a "photogenic and beautiful" uterus and perfect, open fallopian tubes. My ovaries are full of little cysts because I have PCOS, but we're gonna get them functioning properly with medicine and such. The Dr. mentioned that I have a slightly elevated TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) level, which means my lazy thyroid gland is working overtime to try and get my body the hormones that it needs to function. This quite possibly means that I have Hypothyroidism which I've suspected all along.....it's hereditary!!! Duh!!! Anyways, I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Hudson next Monday so we can discuss their findings and then develop a "let's get Sarah knocked-up" plan! I will be sure to let everyone know what's going on after that.

Can I just say that I'm excited? I'm glad to finally have some answers as to what is going on with me. I'm happy that I don't have any malformations or unwelcome growths inside of me! I know that I can be treated for the disorders I have and I can get healthy for my future children! I'm relieved!

Anyways, thanks to all y'all who've been there for me over the past few weeks with all this testing and such. I appreciate all your prayers and kind words more than you'll ever know! I will need them still as we continue on our journey down this path that God planned for us. All I know is He is good and He will provide as He always has!

Love, Sarah

I Need Prayer

Those of you who read my blog know that Matt and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year and of my recent visits to the R.E. I just wanted y'all to have an update on what's going to be happening in the next few days so that you can pray specifically for it.....

-The Dr. prescribed me a dose of Provera (Medroxyprogesterone) to "jump start" my cycle. After two months of nothing I finally started last Tuesday. This is a praise request because I can finally get the ball rolling with the other procedures that I need for a full diagnosis and treatment plan.

-I went in for more blood tests last Thursday and I'm not exactly sure of what they were testing for this time, but they took like 6 more vials of blood. We shall see.....

-I was scheduled for two different tests for this coming Monday and Tuesday. The first test is a SHG (Sonohysterogram) which is an ultrasound of my uterus that they do with a saline solution. What it does is check for uterine abnormalities, fibroids, polyps, or anything that would hinder a fertilized egg from implanting in my uterus. The second test is an HSG dye test (Hysterosalpingogram) which is a test where they inject a dye into my girl parts again and at the same time they are taking x-rays to check the health of my fallopian tubes. The tubes could be fine or they could be blocked, damaged, swollen, etc. But this test will determine if they are normal or not. If there are any blockages in the tubes sometimes they can be unblocked by the dye (which is a good thing). A lot of women who have blocked tubes become pregnant shortly after this test because the blockage has been removed and finally their eggs can travel freely! Not that I'm hoping for that result, but if I'm blocked I wish to not be blocked any longer.

My fears are that they're gonna find something terribly wrong with me and not be able to fix it. I don't want to hear "You have a condition that makes it impossible for you to bear children". I know that when people say "impossible" God says "possible", but I'm still human and I'm still scared of the unknown. I'm afraid of the pain that's associated with the HSG test and I'm afraid that the pain will be so unbearable that I won't be able to finish the test.

So, now that you know what's going on here's what I'd like prayer for.......

*A peace-filled mind while I go in for the tests.

*Wisdom for the Dr's as they perform the procedures on me and for a "fixable" diagnosis.

*For the pain, that it would either be non-existent or very minimal.

*For my emotions to be kept under control no matter what the outcome.

*For the diagnosis; to be clear of what my condition is and to have a good, solid game plan as to what the next step is.

Friends, I really want to thank you for your heartfelt words and prayers for us as we go through this tougher time. It would be harder if there weren't people out there lifting us up in prayer and encouragement, so thank you, thank you, thank you in advance for your kindness! I've said this before and I'll say it again, if you're ever in need of prayer please let me know because I would love to return the favor!

Love y'all and I'll be keeping everyone posted as we know more!

Sarah

A Little More of Kari.....

.......Enjoy!

"The More I Seek You"

"Revelation Song"

"Healer"

Kari Jobe

Last night I was driving home from ballet class and I decided that instead of driving in silence, I'd listen to some music. So, I plugged in my ipod and went to the Kari Jobe section of my music. The song that came on I have heard before, but I guess it never fully sunk into my soul like it did last night. The song's title is "You Are For Me" and it talks about how God is on our side; He is for us and not against us.

A lot of times we get caught up in life's problems and sometimes we blame God for them. We start to believe lies that God is "punishing me" or "I've done too much wrong to ever be blessed again" or "How can He continue to love me after what I've done". Those lies take over our mind and we doubt Him and His love. We start to turn God into a human who holds onto grudges and forgives when He's ready. The best thing is GOD ISN'T HUMAN! In I John 4:8 it clearly says that "God is love". To know love is to know God. We can always take God at His word because His word is truth and life. In Romans 8 it says, "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us".

I can see it now, Jesus in all His glory is sitting by our Heavenly Father looking at us and our lives pleading and interceding on our behalf. When we feel that we've gone too far, Jesus is on our side. When we feel that His blessings have run out and we've had too many chances, Jesus is our spokesperson! Isn't it good to know that we've got the creator of the universe on our side? Isn't it good to know that His love will never run out because He is love? Yes, it is good! It is very good!

If you've never heard Kari Jobe sing, just prepare yourself for the purest voice of an angel! I hope you enjoy this clip of her singing her song "You Are For Me". Let the words sink into your soul and let God sing His love over you through this message today!

Going Up?

Well..... I guess I'm heading up another mountain. Just when you think you've reached a resting point, or a plateau or maybe even the top, another climb shows up. And I'm not talking just any climb, I'm talking about the steepest, most difficult climb yet.

Went to see the R.E. today for my initial consultation and it really did go well. The Dr. was everything I wanted her to be. She was sensitive, caring, informative and she wasn't just going to write me off as another IVF candidate. (Thank God) We talked about our health history and family's health history, symptoms, blah blah blah blah........ It ended up with a power point presentation on what could be wrong and what they can do to help us reach that oh so far away mountain top peak.....PREGNANCY/PARENTHOOD.

Oh ya, I almost forgot the best part....I am being half serious right now, can you sense my sarcasm at all? The best part was when I got that wonderful "inner ultrasound" so she could better assess my girly goodies and we discovered something very interesting......I have classic polycystic ovaries. It is pretty much a 90% plus chance that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Talk about Mt. Everest! I knew there was something abnormal with me, but this is pretty hard to wrap my head around right now. Why couldn't my previous Dr's have figured this out sooner? It's not like it was hiding itself.......


That is an example of what my ovaries look like. My Dr. called it the "pearl necklace". So, still I wonder, why haven't they seen this before? Did they even look hard enough???

To say that I've had a hard day today would be the understatement of the year. It's been a friggin' (yes, I said friggin') emotional rollercoaster. I went into the appointment all calm, cool and collected. "I've got this", I told myself, "I'm stronger than I was two years ago (true), nothing's gonna bring me down!" Ya, right! The moment she mentions the two miscarriages and the anger associated with it, a little piece of my strong facade breaks off. We end that portion of the consultation and head into the ultrasound room. I lay down and look up; she shows me my ovaries; I sit up and say "Did I do this to myself?" and the crying begins again, but with full force. The best thing about the Dr is she came to my side and comforted me.....I think she's done this before.....heck, she's probably heard those words a million times!!!

I don't know why or how this happened, but apparently there's nothing I could do about it. Ugh! Nothing I could do about it??? I'm not a control freak, but why must my body constantly be rebellious??? Why can't life be peaches and cream, or rainbows on a rainy day, or a liesurely walk in the park? What I mean is why can't MY LIFE be that way. I don't mean to complain, but for Pete's sake, when am I gonna get a break? When is my blessing coming?

I am reminded of a psalm that has stuck with me for a looooong time. I first heard it sung by the incomparable Shane and Shane, but it is a passage from the Bible.

Psalm 13 (NLT)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

¹ O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
² How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

³ Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
⁴ Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
⁶ I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

I am not alone as I climb up another peak on this mountain called "My Life". When I reach the peak there will be rest and there will be victory in the rest. I am not fighting for each grasp or foothold by myself, my God is there with me and He's climbing with me and He's leading my way. He is going to have to show me where to put what hand on what rock and if I slip, He will catch me and set me on the right path. If He's climbing along with me, He feels every discouragement, every fear, every tear and the sweat that's streaming down my body. He knows my anguish and my desire for it to all go away. He too is longing for the day when I can declare "Victory" in this battle. It will all be worth it!

Here's just another song that I've held onto for a long time. The words are so meaningful for everything that we're waiting on in our lives. Whether it's a baby, a healing in your body, a lifelong mate to come along, a broken marriage put back together again....remember you're not alone in your waiting. God is waiting too.....

"In The Waiting"
Words and Music By: Shannon Wexelberg

I've tried to be strong
Is there something I've done wrong?
Cause I've been waiting here so long
You see each tear
As the months have turned to years
For some reason You must want me here

I can see You're breaking up my fallow ground
In this season of such barrenness, Lord, I have found

You are in the waiting
In that moment of my life
When my faith and hope collide
While my heart's anticipating
Just how and when You'll move
Oh, that's when You prove
You are in the waiting too

So, plant Your seed
'Til it's living, Lord, in me
Make me all You want me to be
Unveil my eyes
If I've exchanged the truth for lies
Give me faith so I can see

The work that You began You will complete in me
I don't have to understand that place You're keeping me

You give me water in the desert
You lift me up on eagle's wings
So from way up high, I can see my life
From Your view of things

Though I've cried out for an answer
I believe that I can say
Thank You, Lord, for every answer You've delayed

You are in the waiting
In that moment of my life
When my faith and hope collide
While my heart's anticipating
Just how and when You'll move
Oh, that's when You prove
You are in the waiting too

SJR

Tomorrow......

I'm going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow morning at 10:00. To say that I have mixed feelings about this appointment would be an understatement. I am feeling excited, nervous, hopeful, anxious, contemplative......scared.

I don't like to use the word "scared" very often because that would mean that I might possibly not be as brave as I let people think I am. But the fact is, I am scared. I am scared that the doctor still won't find something "wrong" with me and I'll continue being an abnormal female. I am scared that what's wrong with me won't be able to be fixed easily or even fixed at all. I am scared that the doctor is going to file me away in the "IVF file" and write me off completely. I am scared of not ever having a child of my own.

I am a huge Sex and the City fan and have watched it for years!!! I know that it's just fiction and that the character's lives aren't real, but their stories have and still touch my heart to this day. One storyline that has stuck with me is that of Charlotte York-Goldenblatt.



Charlotte was the eternal optimist. She always could see the positive in anything and everyone no matter how dire the situation was. Charlotte was the hopeless romantic and believed in love and all that it represents. I guess it was her naivety that lead to her first marriage to Trey McDougal which failed miserably due to his being a total selfish and inconsiderate husband. While she went through the divorce process she met Harry Goldenblatt who she hired as her divorce attorney. Later on they fall in love (for reals) and get married. While she was married to Trey and then Harry later on Charlotte struggled with her infertility. She tried everything from positive thinking, testing, fertlity treatments and acupuncture to no avail. At the end of the SATC series she and Harry get approved to adopt a little girl from China and she finally gets what she wants. They made a SATC movie which picks up a few years after the series ends and you see Charlotte and Harry raising this beautiful little girl that they name Lily. In the movie Charlotte finally gets pregnant on her own and gives birth to another little girl that they name Rose.



I have always had a stronger connection to this character than the others because I totally identify with her. She always wanted to have a relationship with a good man. She finds a good man and he turns out to be a total dud. She leaves him and finds a man that she never thought she'd ever see herself with, but he's perfect for her. They get married and can't start a family because there's something "wrong" with her, but they don't know why! Can you see why I relate to her story???

The best thing about Charlotte was her ability to persevere through her trials. She ended up with everything she wanted even though it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on her road to getting there. Yes, this was the life that was written for her by the writers for the show, but I know I'm not the only woman out there that can relate with her make believe life. Her story inspires me regardless if it's the truth or if it's fictional.


Funny thing is now that I've focused on this sweet story, I've forgotten about my fears about tomorrow's appointment. I am more excited to see what is in store. I am ready to get this ball rolling and to start taking all the tests necessary to see what can be fixed. I have hope and I know that the One who writes my story has only good things in store for me and my future family with my "Harry".

SJR aka. Charlotte ;-)

Man!!! I always have writer's block!!!

Today I sought out assistance in my search for something to write about today. I received a few suggestions and now it's hard to pick just one! Here is what was suggested......My favorite places in the world, The best meal ever, the best thing I ever cooked, how Matt and I met, what I hope other people see when they get to know me, CA vs. TX and my testimony. Thanks to you who actually commented back and now onto what I'm going to pick for today! Eenie, meenie, mynie, mo...........

CA vs. TX

I have now lived in the Lone Star State for three years this coming March. It's actually funny to think that I've spent the majority of my marriage in this great state. Before Matt and I met each other we had each separately wanted to live in Texas. When we started dating we had discussed where we'd like to end up once we were married and we both said Texas. Originally we wanted to live in Dallas, but we knew that if the opportunity arose in Texas it really didn't matter where in the state we lived, we just wanted to be here! Fast forward to February of 2007....Matt and I have been married just a little over a year, I have had 2 miscarriages and I am in desperate need of a change! I was out shopping with Kiki in Concord and Matt calls to ask me what I thought about "Schertz, TX". I tell him I have no idea because I don't know where that town is. Well, I came to find out that it was just 20 minutes outside of San Antonio on the northeast side. I thought "Why not? It's Texas and I neeeeed to get out of California!!!" So Matt applied for the job, they called him back for an interview, he flew here for the interview, he heard back and good news, he got the job! We started our move at the end of March of 2007 and were here a few days later....phew!

Anyways, onto what I really was blogging about.... The Golden State vs. The Lone Star State. I'm not going to say that either state is better than the other because there are great things about both states! Do I ever want to live in Cali again? Not really. Let's just say that being in Texas during these times of economic issues has been a real blessing. In fact, it was so good to live here that tons of people from other states migrated to our neck of the woods. I cannot tell you how many ex-Californians I have met in the past year, it's astounding! San Antonio was rated the best place to live and work in the US last year because we didn't feel the effects of the recession. It's like we were in a protective bubble here.

Another reason I love being in Texas rather than California is the housing market. When Matt and I were living in CA it literally felt impossible for us to buy a house or even a tiny condo and still be able to survive! Don't get me wrong, we looked at houses and tried to do the math to see if we could ever afford something and the results of our calculations were just depressing. When we got to TX we thought, why not check out what's out there and see if it's possible. What do we have to lose? Nada! We looked for maybe a month at most and within that month we locked down a great deal on a hugemongous house! We got a 30 year fixed rate mortgage on a 2400 sq foot house with NO MONEY DOWN!!! We got over $10,000.00 knocked off of the price and they threw in a refrigerator, washer/dryer and a $1000.00 gift card to Linens n' Things! Oh and we got the house for just under$150K! That would have never happened for us in CA, not in a million years! The housing market is only getting better here......when the time comes for us to move we don't worry about selling our house because we live in a highly desirable area in San Antonio and we're close to a thriving AFB. For the price we are paying here we would have been able to afford a "condo" in CA. I put condo in quotations because the condo we would have afforded was a remodeled apartment complex that was made into condos......sorry, those are still apartments....you aren't fooling anyone!

Let's see what else is better here??? Lots and lots of things are! Our education, athletics, our government, our freeways, etc. There are too many things to name, but one of the other things that I find to be better here is our commitment to our troops and their families. We are proud of our men and women in the US military. Yes, we have people here who are not in favor of the war that we are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, but they aren't going crazy over protesting it. They protest in their own ways, but they still support our military. The other night Matt and I were at dinner and we noticed a man and his family at another table. Obviously he was a soldier who had returned from fighting because he had severe damage on his head, upper body and his arms from burns. He had an apparatus that he used in lieu of his hands because he had lost both of them. He had military tattoos on the other parts of his arms. Anyway, their waitress came up to them and told them that their meal had been taken care of by another patron in the restaurant. She also said that the person that paid for their meal wanted to thank them for their service and was proud of them. I started to choke up a little because it was amazing that someone would actually be nice enough to recognize a soldier in public. We love our soldiers here!

There are good things about California that I miss very much! I miss my family and friends a lot! I love the people that I've met here and have established relationships with, but I miss my Cali peeps a lot. I miss the mountains and the snow! We don't have that here in TX.....we have everything else, but no mountains! We'd like to think that our wine is good here, but it ain't California wine! There's just something very special about the soil there, it's perfect for winemaking!

All in all there are great things about both states, but I choose to be here! I love Texas and I am a Texan now....I've always wanted to be a Texan and now my wish has come true!

Yes, I know it's January 11th!!!

Better late than never, right??? It's not that I haven't had much to say, it's just that I didn't exactly know where to start with it.

2010 is going to be a fantastic year, I just know it! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this year. So, I guess I'll start off with a few things that I'm excited for in the upcoming months.....

We are planning a trip sometime very soon to visit Matt's family in Georgia and Mississippi. Hopefully we'll get to take a little trip to Savannah as it is one of the places that I'd love to visit while we are there! I'll keep y'all posted as plans are finalized.

I just found out that Matt's sister and her youngest son, Dakota, are planning on coming back here to visit us in Texas for their spring break. That'll be fun and I hope that we get to do more with them this time! Last year Jill and the kids came here for a visit and she ended up spending a good bit of her time at the hospital. Jill got really sick and was diagnosed with a huge kidney stone which needed immediate attention. So, not only did she come to Texas for a visit, but she also got to experience our hospitals as well. Eek! It won't happen this next time I'm sure of it!

I turn the big 3-0 this year!!! Goodbye 20's and hello 30's!!!! I'm ready to put this decade behind me already! I think the 20's are just for being an immature adult! Yes, you do a lot of growing up in your 20's, but in my case I made a ton of mistakes. I did learn from them, but let's just say I didn't always take the easy road! So, I've got about 10 more months left in my twenties until I kiss them bye-bye.....hooray!!!

Matt and I will celebrate 5 years of sweet, wedded bliss this year! It still seems like only yesterday I met my wonderful man. I continue to be blessed every day that I spend married to my amazing Matt!!! Man, 5 years totally flew by fast!

I'm sure there will be some random trips to California this year and to Dallas, etc. We are in the talks of spending Christmas in Lake Tahoe with the whole family/extended family. Lord knows I'd loooooove a white Christmas.....again, I'll be keeping y'all posted on that as plans get solidified.

There are things that I certainly put in my "hope box" for this year. I'm sure those of you who read this blog might have already guessed what they are, but in case you didn't know here they are again.

1) To get pregnant and have a very healthy pregnancy and baby
2) For Matt to get promoted so that I can be free to be a stay at home mom when the time comes
3) I don't think I have a number 3 exactly, but as the year progresses and things happen, I may fill this spot.

I don't really want/need a whole lot. The things I listed above are things that we pray for every single day and would hope that if you're reading this you'd pray specifically for what I've listed. I really do covet your prayers and would be happy to return the request any time you need it! Those of you that read this are my friends and some of you I don't live close to anymore, but I am here for you! If you have a prayer need please feel free to email me at sarahreed7880@gmail.com. If I can't be there for you physically I'd very much like to be here for you in prayer!

Happy 2010 everyone! I hope that your hopes and prayers are answered this year in accordance to God's perfect will!

Sarah