Going Up?

Well..... I guess I'm heading up another mountain. Just when you think you've reached a resting point, or a plateau or maybe even the top, another climb shows up. And I'm not talking just any climb, I'm talking about the steepest, most difficult climb yet.

Went to see the R.E. today for my initial consultation and it really did go well. The Dr. was everything I wanted her to be. She was sensitive, caring, informative and she wasn't just going to write me off as another IVF candidate. (Thank God) We talked about our health history and family's health history, symptoms, blah blah blah blah........ It ended up with a power point presentation on what could be wrong and what they can do to help us reach that oh so far away mountain top peak.....PREGNANCY/PARENTHOOD.

Oh ya, I almost forgot the best part....I am being half serious right now, can you sense my sarcasm at all? The best part was when I got that wonderful "inner ultrasound" so she could better assess my girly goodies and we discovered something very interesting......I have classic polycystic ovaries. It is pretty much a 90% plus chance that I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Talk about Mt. Everest! I knew there was something abnormal with me, but this is pretty hard to wrap my head around right now. Why couldn't my previous Dr's have figured this out sooner? It's not like it was hiding itself.......


That is an example of what my ovaries look like. My Dr. called it the "pearl necklace". So, still I wonder, why haven't they seen this before? Did they even look hard enough???

To say that I've had a hard day today would be the understatement of the year. It's been a friggin' (yes, I said friggin') emotional rollercoaster. I went into the appointment all calm, cool and collected. "I've got this", I told myself, "I'm stronger than I was two years ago (true), nothing's gonna bring me down!" Ya, right! The moment she mentions the two miscarriages and the anger associated with it, a little piece of my strong facade breaks off. We end that portion of the consultation and head into the ultrasound room. I lay down and look up; she shows me my ovaries; I sit up and say "Did I do this to myself?" and the crying begins again, but with full force. The best thing about the Dr is she came to my side and comforted me.....I think she's done this before.....heck, she's probably heard those words a million times!!!

I don't know why or how this happened, but apparently there's nothing I could do about it. Ugh! Nothing I could do about it??? I'm not a control freak, but why must my body constantly be rebellious??? Why can't life be peaches and cream, or rainbows on a rainy day, or a liesurely walk in the park? What I mean is why can't MY LIFE be that way. I don't mean to complain, but for Pete's sake, when am I gonna get a break? When is my blessing coming?

I am reminded of a psalm that has stuck with me for a looooong time. I first heard it sung by the incomparable Shane and Shane, but it is a passage from the Bible.

Psalm 13 (NLT)

For the choir director: A psalm of David.

¹ O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
² How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

³ Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
⁴ Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

⁵ But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
⁶ I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

I am not alone as I climb up another peak on this mountain called "My Life". When I reach the peak there will be rest and there will be victory in the rest. I am not fighting for each grasp or foothold by myself, my God is there with me and He's climbing with me and He's leading my way. He is going to have to show me where to put what hand on what rock and if I slip, He will catch me and set me on the right path. If He's climbing along with me, He feels every discouragement, every fear, every tear and the sweat that's streaming down my body. He knows my anguish and my desire for it to all go away. He too is longing for the day when I can declare "Victory" in this battle. It will all be worth it!

Here's just another song that I've held onto for a long time. The words are so meaningful for everything that we're waiting on in our lives. Whether it's a baby, a healing in your body, a lifelong mate to come along, a broken marriage put back together again....remember you're not alone in your waiting. God is waiting too.....

"In The Waiting"
Words and Music By: Shannon Wexelberg

I've tried to be strong
Is there something I've done wrong?
Cause I've been waiting here so long
You see each tear
As the months have turned to years
For some reason You must want me here

I can see You're breaking up my fallow ground
In this season of such barrenness, Lord, I have found

You are in the waiting
In that moment of my life
When my faith and hope collide
While my heart's anticipating
Just how and when You'll move
Oh, that's when You prove
You are in the waiting too

So, plant Your seed
'Til it's living, Lord, in me
Make me all You want me to be
Unveil my eyes
If I've exchanged the truth for lies
Give me faith so I can see

The work that You began You will complete in me
I don't have to understand that place You're keeping me

You give me water in the desert
You lift me up on eagle's wings
So from way up high, I can see my life
From Your view of things

Though I've cried out for an answer
I believe that I can say
Thank You, Lord, for every answer You've delayed

You are in the waiting
In that moment of my life
When my faith and hope collide
While my heart's anticipating
Just how and when You'll move
Oh, that's when You prove
You are in the waiting too

SJR