A Couple of Things

I know I've been silent on here for a while and there is a good reason for that. There aren't that many of you out there who read this anyway. Not that y'all don't matter because you do, but I'm sure that you haven't missed my ranting that much....or have you? Lord knows I have a lot to rant about and that's what this post is all about. I just want to kind of let y'all in on what I've been going through since the last time I posted.....a month ago!

I completed my first round of Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI cycle. I know a lot of those words don't make a lot of sense and I'm sorry, so here's a little explanation of what I went through. I started Clomid to help me ovulate (with PCOS I don't ovulate regularly, or at all). The first week I was put on 50mg and it didn't work. The following week I was moved up to 100mg and I produced 2 good follicles (eggs). The next day or so later I had to inject myself with Ovidrel (synthetic hcg to get the eggs to come out) which was too frightening, so I made Matt do it....ha! It really felt like nothing and this next time I'll probably do it on my own. The next day we went in to the Dr's office. Matt made a "deposit", they "washed" it and made it prettier....a pink color to be exact! LOLOLOLOLOL....you have to laugh at it! An hour and a half later I laid on a table, put my feet in stirrups and was inseminated/basted/fertilized (you can laugh at that too).

After the procedure we then moved on to the "Waiting Game"....which is about as fun as????? Welllll.....it's not fun at all. Sometimes I think you could relate my personal waiting game to "Sorry!". I try to move, I draw my card and then....Sorry! Gotta go back to the start! Yes, this is what happened. I had to wait 3 weeks before I could go to the Dr and take a blood test to see if the IUI worked. May 24th rolls around and I start bleeding that morning. I try to keep myself positive. "Maybe it's implantation bleeding." "This could potentially be a good thing." "Don't forget that your Mom had a period in her first trimester with both you and Bart." I went to the Dr. and they drew my blood. I occupied myself with errands and then at around 12:00 I got a phone call. Actually, I missed the call because my stupid phone crapped out on me! But I did get a message. The message wasn't what I wanted, but in the back of my mind it was what I was expecting to hear. The nurse was very caring and compassionate in her message, "I'm so sorry Mrs. Reed, but your pregnancy test was negative. Please call the Dr. when you start your period....blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, I'm so sorry." She must have done this before!?!?

I wept. I screamed. I convulsed. I was devastated. I was angry. I was all the emotions and feelings that I didn't want to be, but I was. I couldn't control it. It was ugly. I had to call my Mom and Matt, and I had to drive myself home to be alone with all my grief. Not a good thing. I cried non-stop for 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. That evening to cheer me up, we went to the Alamo Drafthouse and saw Shrek 4 in 3D. Very cute movie, but the cheer didn't last too long.

Yesterday (tuesday) was just a bad day all around. I was cramping and in horrible pain. I was still weepy, confused and angry. I called the Dr. to let them know that I had started and I wanted to schedule the ultrasound so we could move on to the next round, except this time I said that I didn't want to do the IUI, just use the clomid. Well, I went in and talked to Dr. Hudson and she recommended that we try the whole process again. In fact, we should try at least 3 more times before we either take a break or try our other options. I really hope that it doesn't get to that point, but we aren't there yet and I will not beat myself up over something that hasn't even happened.

Dr. Hudson is a very sweet, caring and honest person. I'm very thankful that she is my Dr. while I go on this journey. She is confident that what we are doing is going to get us a baby. She feels that with my age and health that there shouldn't be any reason why this process won't work. I trust her. I believe that God sent us to her for help and that this is a part of His plan for our family.

This isn't the path that I ever saw myself heading down. I never thought I'd be going through these things, but here I am technically "infertile" and it sucks. I'm gonna be completely honest right now and if you don't like it I'm very sorry.....but it is so hard to see people that I care about with children, families and/or going through pregnancy. I want so much to be happy for them, but I can't. If you've never gone through this, you will never know how I feel and please don't pretend that you do. I don't need you to try to relate to me thinking that it's going to make me feel better about my situation. The fact is, I have God and the doctors that He's sent me to that are capable of helping me, you won't be able to help me. The best thing to do is to pray and let me know that you're doing so. It means a whole lot more to me knowing that my friends care enough about me, my feelings and my family to lift up a prayer for us. For some of you I've had to block you on my Facebook news feed because I can't handle your statuses and picture updates. Again, I'm sorry to have to be this honest, but I have to.....it's therapeutic!

The journey that I'm on has been long and it's not over yet. Only God knows when and how the story of our family will begin. I trust Him and I know that He is more than able. All I need to do is keep on truckin' down this rocky path and one of these days I'll make it to smooth, paved ground. Ahhhhhh......I can't wait to make it there!