I had a really great conversation with a great friend today. We talked about what I've been going through as far as babies and stuff like that. We also talked about what was going on in her life as well like how we both have "pity parties" when things aren't going as "planned" in our lives, etc. etc. We got on the subject of my conversation with Matt yesterday....we were talking about our future with children and such. We were discussing our options as far as would we pursue IVF if it came down to it, or would we go directly to adoption....stuff like that. As I'm sure y'all know that this whole fertility thing is a touchy issue with me, but I'm learning to deal with it and roll with the punches....but our conversation sparked kind of a small pity party and I said out loud "Why me? Why is God doing this to me? Why is He taking His time and won't just give us a baby already? Why does He ALWAYS do this to me? Why do I have to wait for everything???" That accompanied with tears lasted for a bit and finally I shut up. As soon as I did I listened for something, I don't know why, but I just sat there I heard a voice say to me "You asked to be my vessel, that's why you are waiting and I am waiting too". Wow! It's true though, I did ask Him to dwell in me. I did ask to be His vessel. I asked this over six years ago, but He reminded me of it just yesterday. I told God that I would do WHATEVER IT TAKES no matter what He needed to do in me. And I told Him I would wait....and boy, am I waiting or what!? When it all boils down to it, I am His. His will is my will. I want what He wants. And I will wait as longs as it takes as long as He is there with me every step of the way. I know He'll be there.
I was also "challenged" by my dear friend that maybe it isn't just my time that He's waiting for, but He is waiting for my future child's time as well. She reminded me that if we look at the good examples of the Bible like Moses, David, or even Hannah we see that they were placed into the world at a very precise time in the world to do very specific things. So, maybe this isn't just about me? What???!!! How can that be? (just kidding)But it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? In the book of Esther she was challenged by Mordecai (her cousin) to plead with King Xerxes (her husband) to get rid of Haman and eventually save her people (the Jews). Even though she was queen she would be risking her life to even approach the king without prior consent, obviously she would be frightened and hesitant to go to his chambers. Not to mention if he didn't accept her into his presence she could have been killed as well as her people. Anyway, "Mordy" spoke these words to her "Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Can I get another wow?! Or perhaps an amen (and really..lol)?!! That phrase doesn't just apply to her being queen back then, but to all of us today.
We are always asking God "why"..... Why haven't I been promoted? Why am I not married yet? Why is my marriage/relationship falling apart? Why don't we have any kids yet? Why are my kids rebelling? Why? And yet God still says to us, "Who knows if perhaps this is happening to you now for such a time as this?" God may not be finished with where He has you right now, but just know that He has already prepared what is going to happen. He is shaping and transforming your life and your heart for what He has already prepared for you to do. All we have to do is wait. That isn't always the easy thing to do, but in the end IT WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH IT!
For me, I am still waiting on what He is doing. Let me rephrase that a little, we are waiting (Matt, God and me) on what is coming next. Maybe a baby? Whether we get pregnant naturally or we become parents through adoption I know without a doubt that it is all lined up for us. I feel that God is turning my heart toward adoption even more and He is softening my heart to these children who don't have parents. I know that He knows what is going to happen and I have peace in my heart that He is preparing not just Matt and me, but that He is also making our future child(ren) ready as well.
Don't worry about what you cannot see right now because your new season is coming, He is on the way and He is never late! (Hebrews 11:1)
SJR
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10 Years Ago.........
Saturday, May 23, 2009
This morning as I was getting ready to go in to work I was thinking about where I was in my life 10 years ago. I guess I do some of my best "thinking" while getting ready or just in the bathroom in general....lol! Gross? Anyway, back to the meat of this blog.....I was thinking about my life in regards to where I am and who I am today and comparing it to where I was 10 years ago. I thought I'd make a list on my blog today of the things I did and who I was 10 years ago and compare it to what is reality. So here goes......
10 Years Ago......
- It was 1999!
- I was 18, almost 19 years old
- I was in my dance prime and could have pursued it more as a career if I had wanted to
- I wore a size 4, but weighed 140 pounds! (HEAVY BONES DO EXIST!!! cuz I was tiny)
- I was easily influenced by those around me, but I really wanted my own way
- I started my first "adult dating relationship"......it turned out to be a disaster, but God redeems
- I demanded my own way because of my new found adulthood.....I was legally an adult, but very much a naive little girl ("I'm not a girl....not yet a woman......" lol!)
- I wanted to be just like all of my friends....they were getting married, they were married and having children, they were dating nice guys......I was alone...lonely......sad......desperate
- I never would have thought that my decisions would have taken me so far away from who I was, but like I said before....God redeems!
- I had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life
- I didn't always like who I was, so I essentially stopped being me
- I started to believe lies and forgot about the truth
- I thought God was my enemy and that He was keeping things away from me because my happiness was not His priority
- Don't get me wrong, I had fun 10 years ago, but I just spent a lot of time focusing on what I didn't have and what everyone else had.....sadly, not much has changed (human nature?)
Today......
- I am 28, almost 29
- I don't live in Sacramento, CA anymore....I live in Texas!
- I am married to the most amazing man and we've have been very happy together for almost 4 years now
- I own a house (not paid off, but it's ours)
- I teach dance (but I'd love to actually take class every once in a while.....I lack time!)
- Every now and then I want to look like I did 10 years ago, but as the days go by I realize more and more that it isn't a reality and I wasn't as happy then as I am now
- I have 2 of the most spoiled rotten dachshunds you'll ever meet....funny thing, I used to be soooo scared of dachshunds when I was younger (who remembers Dagwood?), but now that I own two of the little guys I see that they are very protective, territorial pups....I love them very much! My Sprock and Snick (a.k.a. Sprockesis, Snook, Pook, Snuffle Puffle, and most recently Bubu Lubu....we're very weird!)
- I'm still very demanding of my own way. I think that everything needs to be planned out and when something doesn't go as planned in my "books" I don't take it very well!
- I really do love my life. Sure, I have my ups and my downs, but I am in love with my life! I just want one more thing to make it absolutely perfection.....a baby......God's timing is perfect
- I know who I am and I know who I am in Christ....nobody and nothing can ever take that away from me!
- I know that God is on my side and if He is on my side, then who or what can come against me? Answer me that one!
It has taken a while to get to where I am and believe me, God is still working on me. He is molding and shaping me into who He wants me to be. He is using experiences whether good or bad to prove Himself trustworthy to me. He is faithful! He is good! He is my friend and my father! It's good to know that I'm not alone and never will be!
I leave you with some more amazing lyrics by the amazing Shannon Wexelberg. I highly recommend that you "google" her, she is an inspiration to me and to many and so is her music!
I hope you enjoy!
10 Years Ago......
- It was 1999!
- I was 18, almost 19 years old
- I was in my dance prime and could have pursued it more as a career if I had wanted to
- I wore a size 4, but weighed 140 pounds! (HEAVY BONES DO EXIST!!! cuz I was tiny)
- I was easily influenced by those around me, but I really wanted my own way
- I started my first "adult dating relationship"......it turned out to be a disaster, but God redeems
- I demanded my own way because of my new found adulthood.....I was legally an adult, but very much a naive little girl ("I'm not a girl....not yet a woman......" lol!)
- I wanted to be just like all of my friends....they were getting married, they were married and having children, they were dating nice guys......I was alone...lonely......sad......desperate
- I never would have thought that my decisions would have taken me so far away from who I was, but like I said before....God redeems!
- I had no idea of what I wanted to do with my life
- I didn't always like who I was, so I essentially stopped being me
- I started to believe lies and forgot about the truth
- I thought God was my enemy and that He was keeping things away from me because my happiness was not His priority
- Don't get me wrong, I had fun 10 years ago, but I just spent a lot of time focusing on what I didn't have and what everyone else had.....sadly, not much has changed (human nature?)
Today......
- I am 28, almost 29
- I don't live in Sacramento, CA anymore....I live in Texas!
- I am married to the most amazing man and we've have been very happy together for almost 4 years now
- I own a house (not paid off, but it's ours)
- I teach dance (but I'd love to actually take class every once in a while.....I lack time!)
- Every now and then I want to look like I did 10 years ago, but as the days go by I realize more and more that it isn't a reality and I wasn't as happy then as I am now
- I have 2 of the most spoiled rotten dachshunds you'll ever meet....funny thing, I used to be soooo scared of dachshunds when I was younger (who remembers Dagwood?), but now that I own two of the little guys I see that they are very protective, territorial pups....I love them very much! My Sprock and Snick (a.k.a. Sprockesis, Snook, Pook, Snuffle Puffle, and most recently Bubu Lubu....we're very weird!)
- I'm still very demanding of my own way. I think that everything needs to be planned out and when something doesn't go as planned in my "books" I don't take it very well!
- I really do love my life. Sure, I have my ups and my downs, but I am in love with my life! I just want one more thing to make it absolutely perfection.....a baby......God's timing is perfect
- I know who I am and I know who I am in Christ....nobody and nothing can ever take that away from me!
- I know that God is on my side and if He is on my side, then who or what can come against me? Answer me that one!
It has taken a while to get to where I am and believe me, God is still working on me. He is molding and shaping me into who He wants me to be. He is using experiences whether good or bad to prove Himself trustworthy to me. He is faithful! He is good! He is my friend and my father! It's good to know that I'm not alone and never will be!
I leave you with some more amazing lyrics by the amazing Shannon Wexelberg. I highly recommend that you "google" her, she is an inspiration to me and to many and so is her music!
I hope you enjoy!
Work of Art
You are the potter and I am the clay
You are the artist and I am the paint
You are the writer and I am Your song
I will be Your instrument my whole life long
So, mold me, change me, color me....
In shades of You, In shades of You
Play me, sing through me a melody
So when they look at me
They will only see
Who You are
You are my Father and I am Your child
An empty vessel and You are the fire
All that You are, Lord, is all I desire
Master, Creator....take my life!
And mold me, change me, color me....
In shades of You, in shades of You
Play me, sing through me a melody
So when they look at me
They will only see
Who You are
Create in me Your work of art
You are the potter and I am the clay
You are the artist and I am the paint
You are the writer and I am Your song
I will be Your instrument my whole life long
So, mold me, change me, color me....
In shades of You, In shades of You
Play me, sing through me a melody
So when they look at me
They will only see
Who You are
You are my Father and I am Your child
An empty vessel and You are the fire
All that You are, Lord, is all I desire
Master, Creator....take my life!
And mold me, change me, color me....
In shades of You, in shades of You
Play me, sing through me a melody
So when they look at me
They will only see
Who You are
Create in me Your work of art
P.S. I might post something on here soon that has to do with this song!!!! Stay tuned, friends! (Corn, this means you! wink, wink)
Congratulations!!!!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The time has come for two good things to end..... American Idol and Dancing With The Stars. For those of you who don't watch these shows here are the winners (it may not make any difference to you, but here they are anyway)
Kris Allen
Winner of American Idol Season 8
Winner of American Idol Season 8
Shawn Johnson
Dancing With The Stars Champion 2009
Congratulations to them both! They were amazing competitors and both races were very tight! And now for something kind of different.......SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!!!!!!!! Just stay tuned as I'm sure I will be posting stuff about this show when it comes on TONIGHT!!!!!!
SJR
P.S. A lil' birthday shout out to my brother, Bart! I love you! Wish we could be there to celebrate with you and the family! Looking forward to October and ACL!!!! You are still officially old today!
Dancing With The Stars Champion 2009
Congratulations to them both! They were amazing competitors and both races were very tight! And now for something kind of different.......SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE!!!!!!!!! Just stay tuned as I'm sure I will be posting stuff about this show when it comes on TONIGHT!!!!!!
SJR
P.S. A lil' birthday shout out to my brother, Bart! I love you! Wish we could be there to celebrate with you and the family! Looking forward to October and ACL!!!! You are still officially old today!
Amazing Lyrics!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I don't know if many of you out there have heard of Barlow Girl, but they are a band of sisters that are truly amazing! This song below has to be one of my most favorite songs ever. The lyrics are very powerful. They were truly inspired spiritually when this song was composed because there is so much truth about God in here and about ourselves. Yes, there will always be times in our lives when God seems like He isn't at work and He has turned His own mute button. No matter how much you cry out it feels like maybe He just isn't there......oh, but He really is! There have been times in my life in the past, today (as you all know so well) and in the future where God is going to be silent for my own good. His silence is where our faith kicks into hyper-drive....ludicrous speed......warp speed.....whatever.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
Hebrews 11:1 NLT
"And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him."
Hebrews 11:6 NLT
These passages were written over a thousand years ago and they still stand to be valid today. For me, Hebrews 11:1 is my life's verse. I love it! I have it plastered on my walls at home. I need this sustenance in front of my face every day! And I just love going to biblegateway.com and reading this verse in all the different bible translations....for example:
The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. (The Message)
NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, a]">[a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. (Amplified Bible)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (KJV)
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (NIV)
I could keep going, but I won't. I just want you to know that I do have faith. I want God to know that even through my tears and anger my faith is still in Him and His plan. Even though I cannot see Him or hear His voice all of the time I know He is still there. I know He is holding me tightly in a ginormous "bear hug". I know that my tears aren't cried in vain. He will come through! He has before and He will again.
Anyway, here are the song lyrics. I hope that if you haven't ever heard them sing it that you would find it and download it or something. It's beautifully written and sung!
Hope y'all are having a great Thursday!
Love, Sarah
I Believe In Love
Barlow Girl
How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
Hebrews 11:1 NLT
"And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him."
Hebrews 11:6 NLT
These passages were written over a thousand years ago and they still stand to be valid today. For me, Hebrews 11:1 is my life's verse. I love it! I have it plastered on my walls at home. I need this sustenance in front of my face every day! And I just love going to biblegateway.com and reading this verse in all the different bible translations....for example:
The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. (The Message)
NOW FAITH is the assurance (the confirmation, a]">[a]the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. (Amplified Bible)
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (KJV)
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. (NIV)
I could keep going, but I won't. I just want you to know that I do have faith. I want God to know that even through my tears and anger my faith is still in Him and His plan. Even though I cannot see Him or hear His voice all of the time I know He is still there. I know He is holding me tightly in a ginormous "bear hug". I know that my tears aren't cried in vain. He will come through! He has before and He will again.
Anyway, here are the song lyrics. I hope that if you haven't ever heard them sing it that you would find it and download it or something. It's beautifully written and sung!
Hope y'all are having a great Thursday!
Love, Sarah
I Believe In Love
Barlow Girl
How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
Good morn!
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Emotions
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
For those of you who read this blog I'm sure it won't surprise you one bit to know that I am a highly emotional person. This past week I've been struggling with my emotions quite a bit. I know I know, it's not even Thursday yet, but it's been a hard week. It more than likely comes from a variety of reasons such as this is Matt's second straight week of nights and I don't go to bed at a decent hour or get very good sleep when he isn't here. It could also be that Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday and I miss my mom. Or again that this Sunday is Mother's Day and yet again for the past 4 years I'm not a mom. It is quite a cocktail of reasons for the strong emotional flash flood that has stormed into my life this week. My heart is hurting tonight as I type this blog out. My mind is weary and I am having trouble getting the words out that I so much want to say. Saying that I'm angry at God for putting a huge speed bump in our way as Matt and I go along together in our marriage wouldn't be exactly what I am feeling. Yes, I am angry and I feel bitterness creep up from time to time, but I love my God and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I cannot see it right now, but I know that He will reveal it when the time is right. My patience's "thickness" changes as the days go on. Today my patience is very thin...paper thin....it's anorexically thin. I just don't understand what could possibly need to happen before we become parents. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am not meant to understand, but I WANT TO UNDERSTAND ALREADY!!!!!!!!! What is He doing? Why are we going through this? Why???? I need to know!!! I just want Him to reveal it to us! I want to know that I'm not going to have to go through fertility treatments or ivf or any of those other things that I fear. I praise Him for healing my body this past few months. I had stopped ovulating for a little while, but it has started again without the assistance of Clomid. I am so thankful for this! Matt doesn't have anything wrong with his swimmers either. (This is getting personal, but I have to release this emotional pressure, so sorry about the heaviness) According to God and science there is nothing wrong with us! What is going on though? Month after month after month, nothing! We live in this big house and I have 2 empty rooms that would love to be filled with the coo-ing of a newborn (even the crying or screaming) and a changing table/dresser that longs to be filled with diapers and Boudreau's Butt Paste! Target has the cutest airplane themed nursery bedding and decor right now! I want to wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of my baby needing me to give it something. I want to sing to my baby. I want to be a mommy and to see my sweet husband be the father that he is meant to be. It just hurts that we're not there yet. I know that there are tons of people out there that are going through the same thing as us. I know I'm not alone in this. Gosh! I know I must need counseling because the pain of carrying the burden of 2 past miscarriages and 4 years of uncertainty are really wearing me down. Like I've said in previous posts, I have my good days, weeks or months, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it will be to finally be pregnant and to have a child of my own. The waiting is painful and when it's done I will know it was all worth it. Just a little light at the end of this tunnel would be nice to see! I want my frustrations and fears to go away....wishful thinking? More than likely. The one thing that I need more than anything is to know that my friends have my back in all of this. I need to know that y'all are praying for us and if I can pray for you it would be my honor! I am just so emotionally drained that I don't know if I have anything else to say.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings...I promise it will be more upbeat after this week is over....I hate it when Matt works nights! I love you all!
SJR
Thanks for listening to my ramblings...I promise it will be more upbeat after this week is over....I hate it when Matt works nights! I love you all!
SJR
Smile!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!
To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.
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