A Good Conversation

I had a really great conversation with a great friend today. We talked about what I've been going through as far as babies and stuff like that. We also talked about what was going on in her life as well like how we both have "pity parties" when things aren't going as "planned" in our lives, etc. etc. We got on the subject of my conversation with Matt yesterday....we were talking about our future with children and such. We were discussing our options as far as would we pursue IVF if it came down to it, or would we go directly to adoption....stuff like that. As I'm sure y'all know that this whole fertility thing is a touchy issue with me, but I'm learning to deal with it and roll with the punches....but our conversation sparked kind of a small pity party and I said out loud "Why me? Why is God doing this to me? Why is He taking His time and won't just give us a baby already? Why does He ALWAYS do this to me? Why do I have to wait for everything???" That accompanied with tears lasted for a bit and finally I shut up. As soon as I did I listened for something, I don't know why, but I just sat there I heard a voice say to me "You asked to be my vessel, that's why you are waiting and I am waiting too". Wow! It's true though, I did ask Him to dwell in me. I did ask to be His vessel. I asked this over six years ago, but He reminded me of it just yesterday. I told God that I would do WHATEVER IT TAKES no matter what He needed to do in me. And I told Him I would wait....and boy, am I waiting or what!? When it all boils down to it, I am His. His will is my will. I want what He wants. And I will wait as longs as it takes as long as He is there with me every step of the way. I know He'll be there.

I was also "challenged" by my dear friend that maybe it isn't just my time that He's waiting for, but He is waiting for my future child's time as well. She reminded me that if we look at the good examples of the Bible like Moses, David, or even Hannah we see that they were placed into the world at a very precise time in the world to do very specific things. So, maybe this isn't just about me? What???!!! How can that be? (just kidding)But it makes perfect sense, doesn't it? In the book of Esther she was challenged by Mordecai (her cousin) to plead with King Xerxes (her husband) to get rid of Haman and eventually save her people (the Jews). Even though she was queen she would be risking her life to even approach the king without prior consent, obviously she would be frightened and hesitant to go to his chambers. Not to mention if he didn't accept her into his presence she could have been killed as well as her people. Anyway, "Mordy" spoke these words to her "Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?” Can I get another wow?! Or perhaps an amen (and really..lol)?!! That phrase doesn't just apply to her being queen back then, but to all of us today.

We are always asking God "why"..... Why haven't I been promoted? Why am I not married yet? Why is my marriage/relationship falling apart? Why don't we have any kids yet? Why are my kids rebelling? Why? And yet God still says to us, "Who knows if perhaps this is happening to you now for such a time as this?" God may not be finished with where He has you right now, but just know that He has already prepared what is going to happen. He is shaping and transforming your life and your heart for what He has already prepared for you to do. All we have to do is wait. That isn't always the easy thing to do, but in the end IT WILL ALWAYS BE WORTH IT!

For me, I am still waiting on what He is doing. Let me rephrase that a little, we are waiting (Matt, God and me) on what is coming next. Maybe a baby? Whether we get pregnant naturally or we become parents through adoption I know without a doubt that it is all lined up for us. I feel that God is turning my heart toward adoption even more and He is softening my heart to these children who don't have parents. I know that He knows what is going to happen and I have peace in my heart that He is preparing not just Matt and me, but that He is also making our future child(ren) ready as well.

Don't worry about what you cannot see right now because your new season is coming, He is on the way and He is never late! (Hebrews 11:1)

SJR