For those of you who read this blog I'm sure it won't surprise you one bit to know that I am a highly emotional person. This past week I've been struggling with my emotions quite a bit. I know I know, it's not even Thursday yet, but it's been a hard week. It more than likely comes from a variety of reasons such as this is Matt's second straight week of nights and I don't go to bed at a decent hour or get very good sleep when he isn't here. It could also be that Mother's Day is coming up this Sunday and I miss my mom. Or again that this Sunday is Mother's Day and yet again for the past 4 years I'm not a mom. It is quite a cocktail of reasons for the strong emotional flash flood that has stormed into my life this week. My heart is hurting tonight as I type this blog out. My mind is weary and I am having trouble getting the words out that I so much want to say. Saying that I'm angry at God for putting a huge speed bump in our way as Matt and I go along together in our marriage wouldn't be exactly what I am feeling. Yes, I am angry and I feel bitterness creep up from time to time, but I love my God and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I cannot see it right now, but I know that He will reveal it when the time is right. My patience's "thickness" changes as the days go on. Today my patience is very thin...paper thin....it's anorexically thin. I just don't understand what could possibly need to happen before we become parents. His ways are so much higher than mine and I am not meant to understand, but I WANT TO UNDERSTAND ALREADY!!!!!!!!! What is He doing? Why are we going through this? Why???? I need to know!!! I just want Him to reveal it to us! I want to know that I'm not going to have to go through fertility treatments or ivf or any of those other things that I fear. I praise Him for healing my body this past few months. I had stopped ovulating for a little while, but it has started again without the assistance of Clomid. I am so thankful for this! Matt doesn't have anything wrong with his swimmers either. (This is getting personal, but I have to release this emotional pressure, so sorry about the heaviness) According to God and science there is nothing wrong with us! What is going on though? Month after month after month, nothing! We live in this big house and I have 2 empty rooms that would love to be filled with the coo-ing of a newborn (even the crying or screaming) and a changing table/dresser that longs to be filled with diapers and Boudreau's Butt Paste! Target has the cutest airplane themed nursery bedding and decor right now! I want to wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of my baby needing me to give it something. I want to sing to my baby. I want to be a mommy and to see my sweet husband be the father that he is meant to be. It just hurts that we're not there yet. I know that there are tons of people out there that are going through the same thing as us. I know I'm not alone in this. Gosh! I know I must need counseling because the pain of carrying the burden of 2 past miscarriages and 4 years of uncertainty are really wearing me down. Like I've said in previous posts, I have my good days, weeks or months, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how awesome it will be to finally be pregnant and to have a child of my own. The waiting is painful and when it's done I will know it was all worth it. Just a little light at the end of this tunnel would be nice to see! I want my frustrations and fears to go away....wishful thinking? More than likely. The one thing that I need more than anything is to know that my friends have my back in all of this. I need to know that y'all are praying for us and if I can pray for you it would be my honor! I am just so emotionally drained that I don't know if I have anything else to say.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings...I promise it will be more upbeat after this week is over....I hate it when Matt works nights! I love you all!
SJR
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These are the constant ramblings of a southern gal who is married to a wonderful southern guy. We didn't start off here in the great state of Texas, but we were always meant to be here!
5 comments:
Hey kiddo,
Please know that I am praying for you and Matt about the desires of your hearts - - - to be parents.
You're right - - God has this under control.
I am AMAZED by your wonderful journalistic ability. It's such fun to read your blog.
Love, Beth
Sarah,
I'm glad you got all rambly because sometimes that's the best way to vent it and get it all out. Believe me, I know what keeping all that kind of crud inside can do to a person. I know you're worried and I know you're wondering why--don't put that much pressure on yourself. It's not for you to figure out. I know your heart is breaking all the time, but there is a plan. YOU JUST DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS. I know that sucks butt. God will take care of you. I know it. And maybe it might look different than what you think you want right now but maybe there's some piece of the puzzle that you can't see yet and it will all make sense. Just don't go trying to figure it all out. You don't have to, and He's too big to figure out anyway. Now as far as being sad and/or impatient and or lonely, those things are all PERFECTLY okay, and letting that all out just gives those of us that love you more of an opportunity to tell you that we're here for you, whatever you need. I know how much pain there was for me in losing one baby, I can't imagine two... but know that YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. You will. No doubt. You might feel like you can't keep going, but you can. You might feel like it's too big for you, and maybe it is, but God is bigger. Nothing painful lasts forever. There is an end in sight. There's a plan. Don't go all trying to figure out what it is, just keep venting the emotions and let people love on you.
As for counseling (PS, like my paragraph separation? One hugie and then now this. Give me a break. I'm off the clock.) I am a huge fan. It has to be right, but you will know if it's right when you're there. And I've done it all--counseling, medication, etc. for anxiety and the like, and I can say it works. None of that will "fix" you, but it's all tools that can help you if you've got focus and prayer and love and a good counselor. Not everybody feels that way, but not everybody is living your life either, so live it in the way that's going to be best for you. If you ever want to talk more about my experiences in counseling, just holler. Holla! It really helped me and I will probably always use it when things get hard. (But it was really hard to go initially.)
Anyhoo, love you bunches, nerd. Anytime you want to talk, I will fly out and have a margarita with you.
-H
I have your back darling. I love you. I'm praying for you.
I just wanted you to know I cried as I read this I dont know all the pain that you are feeling but i have felt deep deep pain when I was 18 and I did not see the light at the end of the tunnel when i CRIED AND CRIED as I had to give Aaron to a capable christian family. I thought will I ever have kids again will this be it for me..My heart would ache I felt all alone but God put his arm around me and now years later he has blessed me with beautiful healthy children I dont understand his timing at all yall are going to be wonderful parents. But please keep the faith know that God is there. and I am always thinking and praying for you..always
"...and yet again for the past 4 years I'm not a mom."
Please don't ever forget that you are a mom. Your two babies just made it to heaven before you! I think we should all acknowledge our miscarried babies as children no matter how early in the pregnancy they were lost or what the doctor said about them being or not being a baby. For eternity you will be their mommy!
I see many women in the blogs I visit listing their babies in heaven right along with their living children in their profile. I should do that too. In fact I'm going to list my little one heaven today.
I am always praying for you. Trust in Him, even if the answer you're looking for from Him is not the answer He has for you. I miss you, call me or email me if you ever want.
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