This Weekend

What am I doing this weekend? A lot of people go out of town. Some people fire up the BBQ. I know I've gone out driving on Memorial Day and have received speeding tickets at two different times....no bueno! Ummmm......but what are we gonna do????

On Sunday we're going up to Austin to spend the day there. Going to Austin only takes 45 minutes from where we live, but it feels like we're actually getting away from it all for reals. There's so much to see and do in Austin. It's a beautiful city. It feels like I'm back at home in California for some reason. I love it up there. We're probably gonna hit up Kerbey Lane Cafe for some breakfast/brunch. Maybe we'll go to Fry's Electronics for my sweet, nerdy hubby (I like going there too). We could go to Ikea. We could walk around The Domain. We could head down SoCo. There's so much to do....I love Austin!

Monday we're thinking about tubing down the Comal River in New Braunfels. It is pretty much what everyone and their Mom does on Memorial Day, but I'm not scurred. I think if we get there early enough it shouldn't be too crowded, right? I mean tell me what's better than getting to float down a lazy river in a tube with a Mike's Hard Lemonade in your hand? It's pretty fab! Plus, people-watching is always fun/gross. Yes, I did just go there. Seeing women who clearly shouldn't be wearing a string bikini walking around with a tube over their head is always amusing. Sometimes I just want to go up to them, shake their hand and tell them that I wish I had their confidence! LOL Sorry, I went there and now I'm stopping.

Come on! Tell me that doesn't look amazing!

I hope everyone has a fun and safe Memorial Day weekend!!!

A Couple of Things

I know I've been silent on here for a while and there is a good reason for that. There aren't that many of you out there who read this anyway. Not that y'all don't matter because you do, but I'm sure that you haven't missed my ranting that much....or have you? Lord knows I have a lot to rant about and that's what this post is all about. I just want to kind of let y'all in on what I've been going through since the last time I posted.....a month ago!

I completed my first round of Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI cycle. I know a lot of those words don't make a lot of sense and I'm sorry, so here's a little explanation of what I went through. I started Clomid to help me ovulate (with PCOS I don't ovulate regularly, or at all). The first week I was put on 50mg and it didn't work. The following week I was moved up to 100mg and I produced 2 good follicles (eggs). The next day or so later I had to inject myself with Ovidrel (synthetic hcg to get the eggs to come out) which was too frightening, so I made Matt do it....ha! It really felt like nothing and this next time I'll probably do it on my own. The next day we went in to the Dr's office. Matt made a "deposit", they "washed" it and made it prettier....a pink color to be exact! LOLOLOLOLOL....you have to laugh at it! An hour and a half later I laid on a table, put my feet in stirrups and was inseminated/basted/fertilized (you can laugh at that too).

After the procedure we then moved on to the "Waiting Game"....which is about as fun as????? Welllll.....it's not fun at all. Sometimes I think you could relate my personal waiting game to "Sorry!". I try to move, I draw my card and then....Sorry! Gotta go back to the start! Yes, this is what happened. I had to wait 3 weeks before I could go to the Dr and take a blood test to see if the IUI worked. May 24th rolls around and I start bleeding that morning. I try to keep myself positive. "Maybe it's implantation bleeding." "This could potentially be a good thing." "Don't forget that your Mom had a period in her first trimester with both you and Bart." I went to the Dr. and they drew my blood. I occupied myself with errands and then at around 12:00 I got a phone call. Actually, I missed the call because my stupid phone crapped out on me! But I did get a message. The message wasn't what I wanted, but in the back of my mind it was what I was expecting to hear. The nurse was very caring and compassionate in her message, "I'm so sorry Mrs. Reed, but your pregnancy test was negative. Please call the Dr. when you start your period....blah, blah, blah, blah. Again, I'm so sorry." She must have done this before!?!?

I wept. I screamed. I convulsed. I was devastated. I was angry. I was all the emotions and feelings that I didn't want to be, but I was. I couldn't control it. It was ugly. I had to call my Mom and Matt, and I had to drive myself home to be alone with all my grief. Not a good thing. I cried non-stop for 3 hours until I finally fell asleep. That evening to cheer me up, we went to the Alamo Drafthouse and saw Shrek 4 in 3D. Very cute movie, but the cheer didn't last too long.

Yesterday (tuesday) was just a bad day all around. I was cramping and in horrible pain. I was still weepy, confused and angry. I called the Dr. to let them know that I had started and I wanted to schedule the ultrasound so we could move on to the next round, except this time I said that I didn't want to do the IUI, just use the clomid. Well, I went in and talked to Dr. Hudson and she recommended that we try the whole process again. In fact, we should try at least 3 more times before we either take a break or try our other options. I really hope that it doesn't get to that point, but we aren't there yet and I will not beat myself up over something that hasn't even happened.

Dr. Hudson is a very sweet, caring and honest person. I'm very thankful that she is my Dr. while I go on this journey. She is confident that what we are doing is going to get us a baby. She feels that with my age and health that there shouldn't be any reason why this process won't work. I trust her. I believe that God sent us to her for help and that this is a part of His plan for our family.

This isn't the path that I ever saw myself heading down. I never thought I'd be going through these things, but here I am technically "infertile" and it sucks. I'm gonna be completely honest right now and if you don't like it I'm very sorry.....but it is so hard to see people that I care about with children, families and/or going through pregnancy. I want so much to be happy for them, but I can't. If you've never gone through this, you will never know how I feel and please don't pretend that you do. I don't need you to try to relate to me thinking that it's going to make me feel better about my situation. The fact is, I have God and the doctors that He's sent me to that are capable of helping me, you won't be able to help me. The best thing to do is to pray and let me know that you're doing so. It means a whole lot more to me knowing that my friends care enough about me, my feelings and my family to lift up a prayer for us. For some of you I've had to block you on my Facebook news feed because I can't handle your statuses and picture updates. Again, I'm sorry to have to be this honest, but I have to.....it's therapeutic!

The journey that I'm on has been long and it's not over yet. Only God knows when and how the story of our family will begin. I trust Him and I know that He is more than able. All I need to do is keep on truckin' down this rocky path and one of these days I'll make it to smooth, paved ground. Ahhhhhh......I can't wait to make it there!

One of these days.........

• I'm gonna get to blog about being pregnant..... And I'm gonna post pictures of my growing belly/baby all over the world wide web.
• I'm gonna get out of San Antonio! I love me some Texas, but San Antonio HAS to be the lamest city of them all!
• I'm gonna live in DFW....the Metroplex......The Big D!
• I'm gonna go to the beach.....maybe while I'm on a cruise! Ya, on a cruise!!! Even better!!!!
  
• I'm gonna make photography a career and not just a thing that I do every once in a while for money.
• I'm gonna meet the cast of Glee, Jason Mraz and Sarah Jessica Parker. Ha!
  
• I'm gonna own a pair of Christian Louboutin's!!!! (maybe)
  
• I'm gonna see my Creator face to face. I'm gonna get to ask Him tons of questions about everything like, "why Sperm Whales?"
  
• I'm gonna live in a one story house with a fireplace....again.....coincidentally I grew up in one of those.
• I'm gonna be a regular on Saturday Night Live. That was a joke. Or was it?

This isn't the end of my list. I know I have more things that I'd like to see happen one of these days, but it was just nice to get out a few of them on my good ol' blog.

The End ;-)

A Song For Today

I don't really have the time to write a lot about what's going through my head right now. There's a lot and it's definitely meant for another post....maybe more than one? I dunno. All I can say is that I am now entering another time of uncertainty with this whole getting pregnant thing. I am about to start my first round of Clomid, plus an injection of Ovidrel and an impending IUI (a.k.a. Artificial Insemination) in the next few weeks. To say I need prayer for sanity would be the understatement of the year, but I'm gonna say it.....People, I need prayer!

Sometimes I think that I can't take too much more. I think that enough is enough already......don't I deserve a consolation baby/prize for all my hard work? Or at least a break? Something? No? Ok, I will press on. God knows what I can handle and by gum, He has chosen the right couple for the job. Yes, I have had to wait for literally everything good to happen in my life and all the waiting has been soooo worth it! Prime example, my amazing husband, Matt!

Okay, okay...I have written more than I originally intended to. The point of this post is to give you the gift of an amazing song. It is a song that constantly goes through my head at any given time that I'm feeling weak and weary. It is by a spectacular Christian artist by the name of Phil Wickham and the song is called "Safe". I am going to post the lyrics below and hopefully find a way to post the actual song below the words. I hope that the song and its words sink deep into your soul, especially if you're hurting today and just need to be reminded that God holds you in His capable arms and He is and will always keep you safe. Enjoy!

SJR

PS. Be sure to pause the player at the bottom of my blog if you're going to listen to this song.

"Safe"
Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone

These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

• Safe by Phil Wickham

More Phil Wickham music on iLike

It has been a while.......

I can't really decipher if I haven't blogged purely because I've had nothing to say or I just didn't have the time. Or maybe I felt that if I blogged it would only come out sounding like a whiny toddler.....Nah!

I think that there's just been a lot that's happened between the time of my last post and today, April 13, 2010. Nothing really special about today, but I felt like I needed to post something! There's like cobwebs in my blog because it's been soooo loooong! Ha!

Anyway, a little over a month ago I got a call/text from my brother saying that I needed to call my Mom because she was going to have a pacemaker put in. Um, what?!? No! Mom doesn't have anything wrong with her to warrant a pacemaker, right? Wrong! So, I called my very apprehensive Mom whilst trying to keep my cool on the other side of the phone. Meanwhile, I'm thinking that I'm thousands of miles away while this is happening to my Mom and I can't be by her side to be with her. Y'all need to understand that I've always been there for her when she had SVT episodes, her gallbladder removed, kidney stone issues, etc. etc. etc. It sucked that I couldn't just drive to the hospital and be with her. The next thing I find out is that her Dr. also wants to do an ablation to correct her SVT's. Ugh! Two surgeries??? Oh heck no! I've got to get to California somehow!

The next day I talked to my Dad and we found a fairly inexpensive fare for me to come there. I got to stay for a little while and take care of my Mom and such. It was nice to be home. I needed a break from TX for a little bit. I'm pretty sure I was starting to annoy everyone who came in contact with me and vice versa! (yes, I can pretend to be patient, but I was on the verge of a break-down!)

Usually when I go home for a visit I jam-pack my days with going places that I don't get to go to anymore like SF, Tahoe, LA, Napa, etc. This visit was just much more laid back because the focus wasn't on me and where I wanted to go, but how my Mom was feeling and what she needed. I did get to spend more time with my brother, Bart and sister-in-law, April...plus their two goof-dogs, Dr. Finklestein and Maurice Chevalier. We saw "Alice in Wonderland" on the IMax 3D, which completely rocked! We were the only sober people in the whole theater.

At the end of my visit I was invited by my good friend, Heather, to see an awesome dance show by Core Dance Collective. It was such a great show and the dancing made me really miss performing at that level, not to mention choreographing dances that actually mean something. After the show I got my first experience of The Melting Pot.......OMG!!! I am in love with this place! I wish it wasn't so dang expensive because I'd go there at least every other month. We had such a great time just catching up on everything and talking non-stop.....it was nice to be so open and honest with someone that isn't my family or my husband. I'm glad that I went and I'm so glad that she's still a part of my life! She needs to come visit us in TX.....soon...hint, hint!

Um......what else, what else, what else??? Weall, there's a lot more, but I will save that for next time! Comment if you wanna hear more!

SJR

Thank You's

I just wanted to take some time to say "Thanks" to all y'all that pray for me and have prayed for me in the past and recently. I never thought in a million years that I'd ever be going through all the things that I'm going through now, but it helps to know that there are amazing people in my life that are lifting me up in prayer. If it wasn't for y'all and God's perfect peace, I'd probably be a wreck right now. I mean. You know? A total mess. I'm pretty much a wreck all of the time, but being a ballet dancer has taught me to hide the pain despite how much it hurts. It really isn't that at all, but I have peace in my heart and my soul that I definitely cannot understand. I just know that the peace I have is nothing less than miraculous! It is the peace that passes all understanding! So, many many thanks to you! You know who you are and there are a lot of you! Consider yourselves thanked and hugged and maybe even smooched on the cheek!

Love, Sarah

Updates......

I know that there are a few of you out there that actually read my blog and are my friends on Facebook. So, I thought instead of typing out a huge status update on Facebook I'd do it here! More appropriate on the blog, right? Yes.

I've finally finished up all of my infertility work-up tests to determine why I'm not getting pregnant. They have discovered that I have PCOS (which I already discussed), hypothyroidism (under-active thyroid), metabolic syndrome (caused by the pcos) and higher LDL cholesterol (also a result of the pcos). Luckily I don't have the insulin resistance that is also associated with PCOS, so praise God for that! What I do have is answers! Answers!!! Praise God for answers!!! I've been waiting so long to hear the things that I've suspected all along, but I'm not a doctor so I can't make a diagnosis.

So, where do I go from here? I have had to make good, positive changes in my life like right away! When I got the results from Dr. Hudson about my situation, I have to say I was less than thrilled. I mean I spent that whole day pretty much crying. Crying? Why? Well, my emotions are raw and all I want is to be healthy and whole.....I'm not healthy though and that needs to change....quickly! So, I started to make those changes straight away! Last week I started a diet that is PCOS and cholesterol friendly and I joined a gym on top of my ballet classes that I do 2-3 times a week. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be in a recital in May! Ha! Isn't that funny/exciting? Maybe I'll be pregnant by then? Hmmmm.......we shall see. Oh and the Dr. started me on a low dose of Synthroid which is for my lazy thyroid.

I'm due for a follow-up in April and they will re-assess my health at that point. All I know is that I feel very positive about my situation. I feel that what's going on with me is a wake-up call to get healthy and not just get pregnant. I don't want to be in the shape that I'm in right now and be pregnant, that isn't fair to my child. I know that pregnancy can happen at any given time and I am open to whenever God chooses that time for me, but while I'm waiting, you will find me eating right or on the elliptical machine at Spectrum!

I promise to keep posting about my progress and such!

SJR